As I sat around last night, scrolling for love and checking out the 187th woman who was rocking a bar bathroom selfie photo and claimed to love hiking and concerts, I found myself wondering: would the fish pictures on my dating apps be my downfall?
We’ve all heard it – women are sick of fish pictures and can’t figure out why most men have one or two on their dating profile. Apparently, it would be better for us to lead with the group photo so you could cross your fingers and pray that you’d scroll down and find we’re the cute one. You also might prefer that we bat our eyelashes while stuck in rush hour and take the driving shot to let you know how bad ass we are.
Alas, women just can’t seem to comprehend the magnitude of awesomeness a fish picture represents. All the same, I thought I’d take a moment to explore why men use fishing pictures in their dating app profiles, and at least try and explain why you ladies should praise them.
Why Do Men Hold Fish In Online Dating App Profile Pictures?
OK, so there’s a lot of different blogs and websites out there… That have literally nothing to do with fishing… That have weighed in on this topic. If you ask, “Why do men have so many fish pictures on dating apps,” you’ll find purported answers ranging from, “it’s to display masculinity” to “by comparison, the fish make me better looking.”
Eh… I’m pretty sure it’s a lot simpler than that. We’re dudes. We don’t take pictures of ourselves. Have you ever seen our attempts at a selfie? Probably not, because we take one look at it, say, “Well that angle doesn’t look anything like hers” and delete it. Most of us can barely manage to take a selfie with a fish, when we have all the motivation in the world. We certainly aren’t going to pull off a good one holding a beer.
We also don’t ask people to take our picture. You ladies know this. You’ve lived this. Think of your favorite photo of you and your boyfriend from your last vacation. Who’s idea was it to take the photo in the first place? Who asked the stranger to take it? We both know the answer. Men don’t ask people to take their pictures unless there is a fish in it, plain and simple. It would be weird for me to ask another human being to take my picture unless I’m holding a fish or dead animal in it.
What on Earth Should I Be Doing BESIDES Holding a Fish Picture?
I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s very challenging to win with women. Even if we didn’t use fish pictures in our online dating apps, many of you still would give us grief. Don’t believe me? Let’s walk it through.
- You all don’t want shirtless pictures as it makes us look like ****boys.
- If we’re playing sports, we remind you of the jock you dated in high school who is now super proud of his job at Enterprise.
- You also find reason to complain about our hiking pictures (probably because most dudes in those have one of those man buns).
- If we’re in another country, next to the pyramids or such, well, then we’re a dude that actually asked a stranger to take their picture and we trusted a foreigner with our phone. A man like that’s liable to get your identity stolen.
- If we’re posting pictures of drinks, it means we’re drinking something other than American domestic piss water which implies we’re putting on airs. It also implies we prefer late nights to sunrises. Big no no.
- Should a man have a dog in his selfie, you aren’t looking at the dude.
- If he has a cat, well, you’re probably not on the same dating app in the first place.
Clearly, a fish picture is not only justified, but the only viable selfie option.
So Why Not Just Have a Group Picture?
OK, so we’ve established that a solo picture of a man on an online dating app needs to include a fish (or perhaps another dead animal), but what about a group shot? After all, you ladies just love to post those. So why don’t we? Well, pretty simple. We are men. By the age of 30 or so, most of our friends are dead. Those who aren’t dead are mostly married and therefore dead inside. On the rare occasion we can get a group of friends together for a photo and we aren’t all wearing tuxedos, at least one jerk is going to be flipping the bird and making us look like high schoolers. Since older gentlemen are at least trying to feign middle age on these apps, that’s not a good look.
There is, of course, one viable male group photo for an online dating app: one where all our buddies are holding a fish! You ladies should really appreciate a group fish picture shot in an online dating profile. It means the guy you’re creeping not only can find and catch one big fish, but many.
What are the Best Online Dating Apps for Fish Pictures?
Having tried a few of these, here is my opinion on what online dating apps are best for men trying to proudly display their fish pictures. In no particular order:
| Site | Pros | Cons |
| Bumble | -Women must start conversation. This allows them to weed out those with small fish pictures, so you know if she talks to you, she’s interested. | -Must rely on women reading the instructions, understanding they need to make the first move, and then having the guts to face rejection like a man. |
| Hinge | -Dozens of profile prompts allow multiple clever ways to introduce fish pictures. Can also verbally describe them. | -If you aren’t paying for “roses,” women may wonder why you don’t really want her to see your fish pictures. |
| Match | -Can basically write novels in support of your fish pictures, allowing folks to understand just how hard said fish were to catch. | -Women may feel overwhelmed by voluminous explanations of fishing trips. It can be exhausting for them to read of such awesomeness. |
| FacebookDating | -Most of your fish pictures are already on Facebook so finding them to add to a dating profile is relatively easy. | -Can tell when you have friends in common so she might know darn well your buddy is the one who put you on fish. |
| Tinder | -Very large site with plenty of women to look at your fish pictures. | -Given customer base, very strong chance they are not there to look approvingly upon your fish pictures. |
For the Ladies: Legitimate Reasons You Want a Man With Fish Pictures
OK, so far I’ve basically run down the reasons why men have fish pictures on their dating apps. While I feel I’ve been indisputable as to their properness, I do think it’s at least worth explaining why you ladies should be happy to see these.
- Fish pictures imply a man has a boat. A boat is a better place to sit around and tan than the beach. There is less sand, you can create your own breeze by moving, and you can access better fishing grounds.
- A man with fish pictures on his profile doesn’t care what other people think. It is well-known these are a faux pas. A man who displays them in 2023 is a man who stands tall in the face of dating cancel culture.
- Should the zombies ever come, he’s got you covered. For whatever reason, in most zombie literature and film, they don’t swim. See the point about boats above for one. Secondly, you might want to eat something besides whatever canned goods you can scrounge.
- Fishing is actually a really great activity for a date. If you’re sick and tired of someone taking you out for drinks, you might want to give one of these guys a shot instead.
- If that date goes well, fishing is a wholesome family activity that keeps kids off of their electronics and out in the world living life to the fullest.
In Conclusion
Clearly, fish pictures belong in profiles for online dating apps. They’re significantly better than photos of a man with a cat, and imply he has a boat. They also are preferable to dude group shots of a friend group half in the bag and flipping the bird. Thus, when you’re looking for your next husband, make sure he has a fish picture or two on his online dating app profile, ladies.
Thanks for reading,
John Paxton
