One of the big perks of writing this blog is I get to help all of you with such important questions as “how do you go to the bathroom on a boat?” Honestly, I’m not sure just how I got this lucky to be the one to teach you how to pee or poo on a small boat but I promise you, by the time you’re done reading this short article you’re going to be moving those boating bowels and pissin’ with (never “in”) the wind like a champ. So if you’re a millennial with a healthy dose of anxiety about your next boat trip, fret not and read on.
Do Boats Have Bathrooms?
In all likelihood, the boat you’re invited to this weekend will not have a bathroom (known as a “head” in naval parlance). Toilets are generally only found on boats of some size with a cabin, which can be pretty rare on lakes and rivers. I’ve also found that many captains of smaller boats that do have bathrooms tend to use them as another storage facility. There really isn’t that much need for a man, at least, to have a bathroom on a boat that he isn’t sleeping on, so it’s going to be rare. Further, it can be a pain to clean them out and many boat owners simply don’t use them, or only want folks to pee on them rather than poop.
Accordingly, the best practice is to assume that the boat you’re going to spend the day on will not have a working bathroom available. If nature doesn’t call before your trip, you’ll need to think of different ways to poo or pee on the boat.
How Do You Pee on a Boat?
If you’re on a small boat without a bathroom and need to urinate, you have few options. You’re either peeing off the side of the boat into the water, or peeing into some sort of container. They make several options for the latter which I’ll discuss later, and these are great options for women especially.
Plan A: Peeing in the Water
Let’s be completely honest. If you’re a dude, you’re probably going to end up peeing in the water. You should always check local regulations as you’re probably going to break a few doing this, but I know darn well you’re not going to leave a good fishing spot to find a porta-potty. At the very least, I’d urge you to not to be a crowd pleaser and instead to find a private cove so you can at least minimize the number of laws you’re likely breaking.
If you’re worried about pollution, well, “everything pees” and most of it does so outside. It’s up to you what you make of this. I personally would not be too worried about any contamination, but then again I fish Lake Champlain and Burlington, VT manages to discharge wastewater into it every so often so who are they to give me a hard time. In more pristine waters, you might feel worse.
Peeing in the Water from a Small Boat Safely
If you do pee in the water, there are some important steps to take to minimize the mess, embarrassment, and potential danger.
- Find somewhere private. For the love of God go somewhere folks won’t see you. I’m fairly certain it’s not entirely lawful to pee in most waters in the first place but heaven forbid you throw some public exposure charges into the mix. You have to do what you have to do when nature calls but be sensible about it and respectful of others.
- Pee with, not “into” the wind. This should be self explanatory but there’s always someone. If you pee into the wind, there’s a good chance you’re catching some spray. Pee with it, not against it.
- Wear a life jacket. It might be folklore, but we’ve all heard claims that many drowning victims are found with their fly unzipped. After all, you’re focused on the task at hand and could easily fall victim to a rogue wave or such.
- Try to pee off the stern. There are three good reasons to pee off the stern. First, you likely have a splashpan here that is a great place for the dribble to collect as it can easily be washed away. Secondly, if you have an outboard motor, you have something to hold onto and brace yourself. Finally, if something goes wrong, you’re right next to the rescue ladder to climb back in.
- If alone, deploy the rescue ladder first. While some may view this as overkill, if you’re trying to pee on a cold and windy day, make life easier (and more likely to continue) by deploying your rescue ladder before you start to pee on your small boat. This 3-second chore might save you from becoming a statistic.
Does Peeing in the Water Attract Fish or Sharks?
No, peeing in the water is unlikely to attract fish or sharks, so you’re just going to have to stick to your caffeine shads instead. While there’s a theory going around that various animals may be attracted to it, there’s little evidence that the amount of pee you’re carrying would have any meaningful attraction to fish or sharks. Poo, on the other hand, seems to be a different story as it contains little remnants of food. Personally, I’d stick to rabbit feed for chum where legal, but to each his own.
Plan B: Peeing in a Portable Toilet on the Boat
If you’ve ever asked, “how do women pee on a boat?” The best answer is with a portable toilet. This allows them to sit with some dignity rather than trying to balance over the side of the boat. Portable toilets can be as extensive as a full rig with a privacy screen or as simple as a 5-gallon bucket with a toilet seat attached. If you go the bucket route and want some privacy, a simple rain poncho usually does the trick. Just make sure it isn’t see through.
How About Plan C? Can You Pee in the Livewell?
More than a few fathers I know let their kids pee in the livewell. It’s really not the worst idea if you need to use the bathroom on a boat. It can be more private than peeing off the side of the boat and is certainly safer. Also, you can run the aerator while they’re doing it and for a while afterwards and it cleans itself out. If you’re going to pee in the livewell, just make sure you’ve unplugged it before you urinate. Otherwise, you’re going to need to stick your hand in there to get it later! Gross!
How Do You Poop On a Small Boat?
Pooping on a small boat is quite a different story than trying to pee on one. There really isn’t any great option, and even if you do find something that works, you now have the issue of what to do with your fecal matter. Your absolute best bet is to simply not have this issue, so I’d heartedly recommend you go to the bathroom before you launch. All the same, when you have to go, you have to go, so here are some solutions.
Use a Bucket or Other Container
If you happen to have a bucket, or even just a plastic container that you can squat over, it’ll do the trick when trying to poop on a small boat. However, you’re going to want to put some water into the bucket or container prior to relieving yourself, or you’re going to have a much bigger mess on your hands. Some poo floating in the water in a bucket is much easier to discard than feces that have gone splat on the bottom.
Of note, there are plenty of toilet lids designed to fit on a 5-gallon bucket to make things easier. If you’re planning on throwing the poop overboard (not recommended, or necessarily legal), you can use any old seat such as this portable camping toilet seat lid. However, a better option might be this complete set that not only comes with a lid, but also has biodegradable toilet bags that you can poo in. As they’re biodegradable, you can toss them into the trash or even bury them somewhere if you’re boating in the middle of nowhere without feeling like you’re harming the environment.
Bring a Portable Toilet
A portable toilet is a step up from a bucket, but not necessarily an improvement, in my mind. The reason I say this is, “who has room for one on a small boat?” Really, the toilet seat lids are your better option, in my opinion. They are much more compact and utilize something you may already have on your small boat (a bucket).
In researching this article, however, I did find one portable toilet that I’d honestly recommend for use on a small boat: The TRIPTIPS Retractable Portable Toilet Travel Toilet Adjustable Height Camping Toilet Portable Potty for Adults and Kids. OK, I get that’s a long and convoluted name, but what those guys didn’t pay their marketing team, they gave their engineers. This portable toilet has it all and seems to be the absolute best portable toilet for peeing or pooping on a small boat that doesn’t have a bathroom. Here’s why I know you’ll love it:
- Unlike most portable toilets for boats, or even a 5-gallon bucket, it compacts down to a size that’s going to fit in pretty much any storage container on your small boat.
- It is washable, though I’d probably pair it with some biodegradable toilet bags and avoid that mess.
- It can double as a trash can.
- It adjusts from 3.2 inches to 13 inches in eight different steps, meaning you can keep it smaller for kids and larger for adults.
- It can hold up to 380lbs!!! No matter how full of crap you are, it’s got you covered!
By all means head over to Amazon and read the reviews from various RV’ers and boaters out there. This may be the best option I’ve seen while reading up on this topic and it’s so good I don’t even to give you other options. Here’s a link where you can buy it on Amazon.
Can you Poop in the Water?
You really should avoid pooping in the water. While urine has relatively little bacteria, it’s another matter entirely for feces. There are significant health risks associated with poo, and a reason they drained the whole pool in Caddy Shack. Sometimes it can’t be helped, and I get that, but really it’s a matter of respect for other people to try and avoid pooping in the water whenever possible.
Even in the largest expanse of water available, pooing can make others sick. I found this interesting one-pager apparently produced by the U.S. Department of Agriculture extolling you to take care not to poop in the ocean. Apparently, oysters and clams end up being infected by bacteria from your waste which can find its way into the food supply. This pamphlet even says that the waste from one person can contaminate an area about the size of 25 football fields!
I shudder to think why our government needed to go through the expense of making this pamphlet. It almost reminds me of what I’d expect the fictional town of Pawnee to have to produce in Parks and Rec, but since they went through all the trouble, we might as well take heed.
Privacy Curtains on Boats
Regardless of what solution you use to use the bathroom on a small boat, none of the options are all that private. Because most small boats don’t have an enclosed bathroom, however you relieve yourself, it’s going to be out in the open unless you figure out a way to have some privacy. While you can buy an extensive option like this pop up changing room/privacy tent, that’s a bit much out on a windy lake.
Your better option is much simpler – your average poncho. If you put one of these over yourself before getting to business, no one will be able to see anything they shouldn’t. Also, you probably either have one at home already, or can pick one up very inexpensively, making it a great option. Here’s a good one that comes with a hood meaning you can actually use it as effective rain gear as well as a privacy screen. Remember, on a boat, space is at a premium, so anything that can be used for two purposes is a plus!
Closing Thoughts
There’s no relief quite like that felt when you go to the bathroom on a small boat. It can only be matched by the sinking terror of knowing you need to use it! Again, your best bet is simply to go before you leave, but if you get caught out on the water, I hope this article provides some relief. Just remember that there are some safety concerns even with just peeing from a boat, especially in winter. When it comes to taking a poo, that danger is no longer just for you but for the general public so make sure you don’t dump it over board.
Lastly, if you’re bringing small children (who, let’s face it, are most likely to have an issue), consider letting them pee in the livewell on a windy day. It’ll keep them relatively safe and as long as you’ve got water in it and the aerator going, it’s a fairly clean way to go about things. Just don’t forget to take the plug out before you let them go for it!
I hope this all helps,
John Paxton
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