I hate fishing with bobbers. Always have, always will. While there’s a few guys on the walleye circuit making a killing using them, I refuse. Every time I tie one of these stupid things on I regret it. They’re good for nothing but putting little anglers to sleep, they’re choking hazards for the more excitable, they litter tree limbs across banks like Christmas ornaments from hell, and if that wasn’t enough for you, they’re destroying America.
You heard me right. The Land of the Free, slowly but surely being bludgeoned to death by these little red and white, gumball-shaped wastes of time. Don’t believe me? Read on, dear patriot, and help me take our country back.
Fishing with Bobbers is BORING
I started this website to help parents learn how to take their kids fishing. This always seemed like such a strange thing to need to teach, because angling is naturally awesome. Unfortunately, there are many grown adults who don’t know how to fish. This is despite the fact that many of said grown adults, at one point in their life, had a parent or grandparent take them out on the lake. So what happened? Why didn’t it stick?
BECAUSE THAT PARENT OR GRANDPARENT TIED ON A BOBBER, AND BOBBERS ARE BORING.
Think back for a moment. Uncover that deep dark secret you’ve repressed all these years. Go lay down on a couch if it helps. You hate fishing because at one point or another, you were sitting next to a pond, just staring at a bobber. Well, that and being “shushed” constantly so you didn’t scare the fish. That’s right. As a child, you were tasked with BEING STILL AND QUIET while you stared at that stupid ol’ bobber quietly floating like the plastic piece of trash it is. No wonder you hate fishing. It’s amazing you can even function in society with an upbringing like that.
Imagine, however, that your childhood was different. Imagine if that adult “guide” of yours hadn’t sat you in a lawn chair staring at a puddle. What if they instead tied on a hook with a worm and told you to — gasp! — hold the rod and twitch it now and then as you slowly reeled it in! You might have actually got to feel the fish when it bit in time to do something about it (and get excited). It’s likely you would have caught more fish and had a better time if you were actively engaged in the activity, don’t you think?
Check out this article for more ranting about how bobbers are terrible for using with your kids.
Now, imagine that you started when you were a little older. Perhaps 7 or 8. You were old enough to cast reasonably well by then, and this guide of yours tied on a spinnerbait and told you to cast along the weed line. Perhaps then you would have felt the rocketing force of a chain pickerel or northern pike slamming your lure with reckless abandon! If you had, I’m sure you’d remember!
But no, instead that adult tied on a bobber and let you just watch it float. As a result, you’re now reading a fishing website as an adult trying to learn this great hobby. An entire lifetime spent doing something else that wasn’t as fun! Don’t do this to your children! Leave the bobbers at home!
Bobbers are Choking Hazards
Well, they are now, aren’t they? Many of them are are quite rotund and capable of blocking an airway. I know you’re probably wondering why anyone would eat a fishing bobber. If I haven’t made it clear yet, because bobbers will bore you stupid in a hurry. Stupid eats plastic. Unless you feel like bringing along that Dechoker the Facebook ads have scare-guilted all of us into buying, leave the bobbers at home!
Fishing Bobbers are Christmas Ornaments From Hell
Go walk around your favorite fishing pond. Look to the trees, look along the banks. What will you see? BOBBERS. EVERYWHERE THERE ARE BOBBERS. These photos didn’t need to be staged, folks! I could fill a page with them! Every single one of these things is a potentially danger to wildlife as well as just a stupid way to ruin a photo for a postcard. Think of all the Pinterest shots ruined by these lousy floats!
Please do your part to stop turning our ponds, lakes, and rivers into your own personalized version of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Leave the bobbers at home!
Bobbers are Destroying America
According to the United States Fish and Wildlife Service, 100% of proceeds from fishing licenses go towards conservation and restoration. Further, there are taxes on many common fishing items that are also dedicated to these causes (source). Thus, the more people who buy fishing licenses, the more money that is available for conservation.
Most states don’t require small children to have a fishing license. Thus, they will only pay into this conservation practice if they grow up to become anglers. As you may remember from my first point, bobbers make fishing so incredibly boring that they put plenty of people off.
Let’s think this through:
If fishing licenses fund conservation efforts, and bobbers bore people away from fishing, then bobbers decrease funds available for conservation efforts. So… Yeah. Bobbers really are destroying America, one fruited plain and shining sea at a time! Stop destroying America! Leave the bobbers at home!
Conclusion: Be a Lively, Breathing, Non-Polluting American Hero and Leave the Bobbers at Home!
I don’t know how much plainer I can put it. Bobbers are stupid, they bore your children, they pollute our waterways, stringing up birds along the way, and are destroying the very fabric of our nation. There’s really nothing good about them aside from the fact that people recognize them and they make fine decorations for a “cutesy little fishing cake,” but then someone might choke on them. To each their own, but I’ll leave the bobbers at home!
Have a great day for fishing (just not with bobbers, unless you have no soul),
John Paxton
As an aside, if you are a bobber manufacturer or aficionado who is now furiously typing me an email or about to leave a nasty comment, consider the posting date of this article and if you shouldn’t take a little walk and sleep on it. Unless, of course, you think I should add “Bobbers Fuel Anger” as a subheading above too. Happy April Fools, everyone!
